Marketing that Sucks
Ok, the following is ridiculous, but it illustrates some serious marketing points: don't over-promise, don't pack on the clichés and gimmicks, don't hustle your customers and don't offer meaningless "guarantees." I encourage you to think of marketing more as an education process than a selling process. Don't engage in cheesy marketing that sucks.
Are you tired of running out of money and paying bank overdraft fees? What if you never had to worry about paying the rent, buying groceries or repairing your big screen TV again? Impossible you say? Not with your Moriarity Personal ATM! This beautiful chrome and walnut ATM, carefully crafted by real Amish cabinet makers to last a lifetime, enhances any décor and is sure to be a center of conversation for your guests. Your Moriarity Personal ATM is your 24/7 solution to those last minute purchasing hassles:
Woman's voice: Honey, would you run to the store and pick up a couple of nice filets?
Man's voice: Darn it, my wallet's empty.
Woman's voice (with a laugh): Silly, don't you remember we got a Moriarity Personal ATM?
(The sound of whirling gears)
Woman's voice: There! Now you have all the money you need.
Man's voice: Wow! Our life is so much easier with our Moriarity Personal ATM.
Woman's voice: And it looks great on the kitchen counter too.
(Both laugh)
Your Moriarity Personal ATM never runs out of money. Just drop a package of convenient, precut Success Papers into the filler tray whenever the red light comes on. When you see two red lights, insert the pre-filled fingerprint-proof cartridge of Tycoon Dye into the quick release slot. Now sit back and watch your problems melt away. (Whirring gears sound) Learn what banks and financial institutions don't want you to know. Call for our free brochure and sample $100 bill today, and learn what millions of people have already discovered: you can have the life of your dreams. Heck, you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams.
Call 1-888-MyATM-99 in the next ten minutes and we'll throw in two $100 bills. Awesome! That's 1-888-MyATM-99 to request your free brochure with sample $100 bills. But hurry, supplies are limited. If we receive your order within the next 36 hours, you can get your Moriarity Personal ATM for only $199 - that's less than the price of a cheap wrist watch, but you'll be able to afford a Rolex! AND for today only, if your name sounds American, we'll send you the Bill Gates size of Success Papers and Tycoon Dye cartridges for just $1, plus shipping and handling. Everything you need to achieve real meaning in your life. Credit cards only, please. No cash accepted.
Call 1-888-MyATM-99 today for your Moriarity Personal ATM and you'll never be lonely or poor again. It's guaranteed!
For a similar take on what this might look like from a web site's perspective, read What our home pages are really saying
Guest blogger Dennis Mathis is a long-time resident of the Four Corners who nurtures an interest in writing, marketing, technology, reading and business. About a year ago, he retired from a public relations job and is now formally self-managed. It is a harder job than he imagined it would be. He and his wife, Nancy, live in a log cabin near Lemon Lake decorated with birdhouses, and when the water is calm, they kayak along Lemon's graceful shoreline.
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